My dad, about 2 years ago, while visiting us from Cleveland asked me, “When you tell me you love me, are you sincere?”  I’ve had a lot to unlearn since then.  So many beliefs that were American but not believable once I had several dark nights of the soul.  Best phrase I have heard.  I’ve literally been watching my language.  It sounds so basic as to be absurd but I’ve been in the shower many times and I’ll suddenly realize things and questions are being asked by myself to myself.  Why have you said things and written things that haven’t been sincere?  Who would you be without your problems?  What scares you about answering that question?  It’s like having lived with a persona or mask.  “I’m sick of pretending.”  Heard that a few weeks ago. 

“Why do you keep taking anything personally?”  

“He insulted my intelligence.”

“Does your intelligence know about it?  As long as it’s your intelligence, you’ll keep protecting a mere idea that’s impossible to possess.” 

Not introspection in a morbid sense.  Non judgmental self-observation as though I’m listening to and watching myself as if I was an outward observer.  The thoughts that incessantly ticker tape across my mind.  Useless, repetitive, negative, paranoid, labelling, worrisome etc.  In silence and solitude, just taking time to witness my own parroted beliefs that weren’t really my own to begin with. 

See them, experience the humiliation of seeing them and then dropping them.  Repeat and renew and unlearn all of that socially insane programming.   It’s like those bible studies.  As long as I’m studying it, I can’t see the truest and often the subtlety of what’s really aback of the teachings and parables.  

I have never liked those inservice meetings where they ask you to stand up and “tell us about yourself.” 

“And where do you see yourself 10 years from now?”

“If I’m still alive, I’ll see myself in front of the nearest mirror.  Beyond that, the question is utterly absurd and here and now is all anyone has ever had so please stop regurgitating these motivational workshop life puzzles about the nonexistent future.”

  “What’s the time now?”  

“Same as it was 20 years ago.  The time now is now and you can’t escape it.  You’ve never not been now”  

So simple it’s complicated.  The ego accepts truth just not simple truth. Why do you find believing preferable to knowing and trusting and relaxing?  You deny the severity of your ego.  You might even deny you have an ego.  Pride is like halitosis.  You’re the last one to know it.

“What do you do for a living?”   

“Breathe.  And when I sleep, I don’t consult my involuntary neurological respiratory and cardiovascular functions.  And to beat all, I thought I was living life when in reality life is living me.  I’m not the dancer, I’m being danced but I’ve fought it and made until now a ballroom shuffle unbearably hard.  I’m cooperating now.”

Finally!  Whew!  

What’s more puzzling anymore isn’t why there’s so much evil in the world but how come I haven’t till recently noticed how much goodness there is in people on the planet.  Why do I believe what I say I believe and claim to know what I say I know? 

Saw a quote that made sense.  “It’s easier to make a nonbeliever into a Christian than it is to make a Christian into a Christian.”  

Be-lief 

Lief is old English and from Germanic origin meaning gladly, happily. 

Leof— meaning dear, pleasant.  

 Be is literally BE PRESENT